Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Do You Ever Wonder What Happend?

Do you ever sit and just wonder what happened?  I mean really wonder, and then try to pick the point where things went wrong?  Do you ever wonder what happened to the person you were and when did you become the person you are now?  I do.  I wonder this every time I see myself in a mirror, even though I know where I went wrong.

I used to be thin.  I mean like, really thin.  As a kid, I was typically underweight.  I graduated high school weighing around 93-96 atheltic pounds.  And when I say atheltic I mean I was in shape and I ate all the time.  I loved food and I wasn't afraid of it.  There were a few years in my twenties where I gained weight, and gasp, I weighted about 140 lbs.  OMG I thougth I was so fat, and I even had to buy a "fat" bathing suit, and it was a size 8.       Then I made a decision, became a gym rat and lost all that weight.

When I got married, at age 30, I weighed about 125-130 or so.  I was an extra small wearing a size 4-6.  Then I got pregnant on my honeymoon.    I gained a lot during my pregnancy but after a few months of having the baby, I lost it all or at least all but 5 lbs.  And I was ok, with that.  I looked good, and if I bothered anyone, so what.  I had a hard pregnancy where I was put on bed rest and I pushed an 8 lb baby out of my ho-ha. 

Then I had another child 22 months later and gained even more weight.  But again 10 months after her, I was back into size 4.  Things were going really well.  I looked good and I felt good.  Then everything changed.

My youngest daughter became a toddler, but she was like a baby godzilla, destroying everything in her wake.   I mean nothing was safe.   She couldn't be left alone (not that any child should be truly left alone,) but I mean I couldn't turn my back on her. From the ages of 2-3.5 she wrecked havoc on my life.  She was in preschool for almost 3.5 hours a day three days a week   I stopped going to the gym because I couldn't trust her or the day care staff (they were excellent but she was just too much) and I remember very clearly telling another mom, "I give up." And I did. 

My daughter was diagnosed with sensory issues.  She went through a process, at the age of 3.5, with our local school district and was given a "resource" teacher for her preschool class and started working with an occupational therapist.   While all this helped, it didn't help everything I had to deal with on a daily basis. 

I stopped going to the gym and stopped watching what I ate.  I still took walks, pushing two kids in a stroller all over the place, but it just wasn't enough to counter what I was doing to myself.  I am an emotional eater, I know this, I own this.     And sometimes after a very long day, that included wiping poop off of walls, bathtubs, and floors, cake or ice cream made me feel- temporarily- better. 

So now here I am now, three years later, my youngest is 6 (she is doing much better and is getting ready to start 1st grade, which scares me to death) and an 8 year old.  I am currently around 174 lbs and I am wearing L-XL size 12/14 clothes.   And I am tired of being big.  I am tired of not giving myself a chance and not feeling good about myself.

So I have decided to start a blog and see where it takes me.    Wish me luck.